January 2019 / ann of april

Finding inner peace & my little mindset updates and takeaways

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  • Sunday, 13 January 2019



If you read my IG posts and Stories usually (or at least sometimes), you know that I've just coped with a big breakdown in the end of the year which grew strong when my expectations  crushed into reality and my inaction (because of fears and self-doubts). And evidently, I wasn't feeling ok at all. Anxious, apathetic, depressed, uninspired, unhappy, super vulnerable, afraid of losing everything for what I have worked my *ss off for a year and more but still not acted as I should act (just do what I did further and concentrate only on the process). I've already shared a kind of similar blogpost before, the post with my little mindset updates and takeaways in the end of July and the post about creative blocks and some lessons, so for now I'd like to continue my inconsistent series with this blogpost.

So in case of my last breakdown in short, I allowed myself feel really bad ‘cause I had no inner power to be positive. I was miserable, unproductive and disconnected. I cried until I was tired of crying and my head was too sore to continue whining (it was pathetic! not gonna lie hah) and then until crying was naturally replaced by indifference as a normal defense mechanism of my organism. I started listening to inspirational talks on YouTube (in my case) even before the moment of indifference, but resistance was so strong that when I listened to these talks I cried again because I've not got to the point where I could find desirable peace in myself (I was angry at myself and at the fact that I can't do and achieve things which other people do and achieve easily). It took not one day obviously. So I continued to be miserable but listened to inspirational talks to find the guidance of reconnecting with myself. But my inner self  wanted to reconnect too so I think it went even without my conscious acts, it just need some time to break through my sore and broken ego. {I also have the blogpost about how to stop clinging to the past, check it out if you've noticed it in yourself lately + blogpost with productivity tips which I've found helpful for me even more so now}.


Don't want to go in details too much, you know from your own experience that breakdowns and periods of frustration are the undesirable part of our life but sometimes unavoidable, unfortunately. Just know that your inner self (under the cover of your identity which is not your real self, especially if it tortures you, but just mostly a compilation of images and opinions of others), your inner self knows way more than you think, and if you let your inner advisor lead you, I promise, you will feel better, way better. Probably some people live pretty ok and aligned with own identity without an outside guidance, know and follow this truth initially, but my mind always tortures me. So the time for mental resurrection was extremely important (it's ridiculous how often you read about my breakdowns, but I don't know why they are so intensive and frequent last couple of years. Maybe because my life is not illusively stable as I'd like to see it and I still don't do exactly what I'd like to do).

Problems and undesirable circumstances (annoying job, money and relationships problems, another conditional issues etc.) won't go away from your life immediately, but you can drastically diminish the negative impact on you and your mental health just by conscious desire to help yourself and let your inner being lead you. Previously I've already written about it in this way I think, but every time I break through my breakdown I feel it in the other new way than before (probably you've felt the same pretty much in your life), words are the same but different insights are keeping in the mind... words never will be able to explain everything...


The main thing is not to rush. You have enough time, we all have enough time to go through every experience we need to become more mindful and connected with own inner being, with own higher aims. Just ask your life to give you this time to figure out all things you need to figure out. Believe me this is quite possible even if you're a pretty busy person. Mainly, because in these situations only your mental health really matters. We can't live happily and healthy when something wrong with our mental state, right?

Another thing is to be aware of your emotions, when your mood goes down. Ask yourself why it's happened? Could you change your attitude towards events, your activity, actions of others? Is it the right reason to ruin your entire day or even week and more just because of uncontrolled emotions? Or you can shift your attention from negative emotions towards thinking about your dreams by conscious decision? One thoughts displace another ones and we can control the direction of our thoughts if we're conscious about this fact. Just by mindful replacing negative self-talk on positive images and thoughts (I'd like to pay closer attention to this theme in my future blogposts). It's easy if you allow yourself.

How to leap from one breakdown to another breakthrough quicker? I don't know. Let yourself cry, suffer and resist until your ego will broken. And then you'll feel a relief.

How to understand if you've already broken through your identity shell? You'll feel it for sure. You'll be peaceful and slightly inspired (or maybe not slightly). But I've found that the safest and most stable place for my mind is peacefulness (not overdelightful state of mind but not miserable one too, both are super unstable if you know what I mean).

I'm not claiming that for now I'm entirely positive in my thoughts and live in the imaginary world of pink tones, problems disappeared and nothing can bother me, no, not at all, but now it's way easier to stop myself from panicking and negative self-talking just by noticing that and by conscious shifting thoughts towards desirable things or just concentrate on doing what I'm doing in the present moment (because it is the real mindfulness and living in the moment, isn't it).


In moments of panicking I stop negative thoughts and start focusing on my breath. Even if it sounds cheesy, it works effectively (‘cause it's the easiest way to shift your attention from negativity) if you stop resistance (I had this stubbornness too). Sometimes panic can come right in your bed but I focus on my breath again until I start feeling calmer and can fall asleep. And I have to admit I feeling way more peaceful than before (and before I was super anxious every single day). And there's no need to waste your money on super trendy techniques, endless amount of books, courses and gurus’ performances. We already have everything to help ourselves in our minds. Besides you can find helpful information on the Internet for free but be careful, not everything is safe and harmless, think twice before you try something (I feel like I'm your mom right now haha).

Conscious shifting the focus of thoughts on neutral things is the easiest way to train sore anxious mind to be more positive and healthy. And detaching yourself from external sources (like any qualities and quantities which prove your identity).

I honestly don't like preaching style of articles and believe that you able to realize everything you need on your own but I also believe that some words/thoughts can evoke necessary movements/impulses in our consciousness and help to reconnect with your inner being which ‘sleeps’ in your head (not actually sleeps we just don't hear it, not in psycho ways like ghosts are talking with us, of course not, but in the way of spontaneous desires, ideas, insights which you inevitably should realize, and sure that you can do everything you soul/inner being asks). But no words can explain what it's like. So just let's walk around it until it turn into desirable insights...

PS I'm going to write more structured blogposts too, I mean about finding peace, of course. Kind of step by step “how to”, some tips and tricks I'm using currently (to look at this theme from another side, more practical so to say), maybe it will be helpful too. But for this blogpost I didn't want that it turns into too long tiring article. So till the next time, loves!

Hope you're having a good day!

Ann XOXO





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Goals 2019

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  • Monday, 7 January 2019

New Year goals 2019

It's never too late to check out your previous year goals and set the new ones. But actually I'd like to call them as my new year intentions ‘cause goals should be clear and sometimes strict (and stressful to achieve), and I feel like strict numbers aren't my purpose. I'm a person of feelings so my priority is intentions and how I want to feel this year.

I don't know, guys, how about you, but I like reading blogposts about yearly/monthly goals from time to time. It's like a light kick to start thinking about own ones.  

Since I've set only personal goals for 2018 (and won't share it on here, though there were a couple of completed goals like to create my own blog (in May 2018) and youtube channel in September) I'd like to start with my ‘official’ 2019 intentions right here.


Stop identifying myself with external sources and being too hard on myself



1. Stop identifying myself with numbers on my social media (likes, views, followers etc.). Sometimes it's just too frustrating and embarrassing, especially when you compare yourself with a person who gains everything way easier than you in short time. But as I felt it all and quite intensively I've realized that it's absolutely unworthy. Life is for happiness and mindfulness, not for frustration. And besides, these numbers has nothing in common with my authentic self so it shouldn't identify me, and even frustrate and torture me (and anyone else, it's a false sense to measure everything in our life by numbers but we usually do it, of course)

2. Stop identifying myself with the image of myself I created in my mind, the image I think I should and want to look like in other eyes. It doesn't compare to every opinion about me ('cause all people live in own worlds and have opinions from own perspectives) so why should I try to suggest how I look through others eyes. And try to not look like a loser, for example, when I think I am, and try to held my head high when it's not actually my mental state. It's just absolutely ineffective and unpredictable.

Freedom from own boundaries really opens the way to another side of the river where you're able to be happy and content where you're now (even be aware of contract between, and still desire for more but in subtle ways).

I've often beaten myself up literally for everything the previous year (for the fact that I didn't keep up to complete and achieve what I expected from myself, for the fact that I often surrendered to my fears and self-doubts) but I've decided to stop it. We always say that our intention is to not compare ourselves with others, for example, when we want to grow in personal and professional ways. But the easiest way to stop this comparison is to stop identifying yourself with external sources and even own body. Your inner being can live without it. So do you. And me.

This year I'm not going to be hard on myself in case of desirable habits too, I'm sure all desirable habits can be easily cultivated when I really let them go and start enjoy life where it is.

New Year goals 2019

Be consistent with my social media accounts

I'd like to keep to myself what exact amount of posts and videos I'd like to share a week this year (and numbers don't really matter, the process does matter) and certain online productivity for 2019 but I definitely can say that I want to be more productive and consistent than the previous year. It's hard to admit but I've wasted majority of my 2018 (especially starting from the middle of the year) on bad mood, self-doubts, self-sabotage and frustration (that's why I couldn't achieve desirable things in this state of mind). But my life is only my life and nobody can change it for me. So my preference is the next

Focus on positive pleasant side of life

Focusing on unpleasant things, problems, unlucky circumstances causes only appearing even more unpleasant things in our life so there's no way to concentrate on problems instead of dreams, goals, pleasant activities in 2019.

After the year full of suffering from own mind I've realized that I went too far with my self-sabotaging and self-flagellation. So I've stopped. This. And. Left. It. In. My. Previous. Year. But I don't mind to reflect for a little while even now (‘cause it doesn't touch me anymore) for own sake and probably for helping you somehow but a bit later about it this month. {This theme is eternal and not going anywhere so I have plenty of time to focus a couple of my blogposts on it in the nearest future.}

Everyone knows that life most of the time is how we look at it. Sometimes it's just hard to find inner power to break through this mindset. I don't know is it the real problem (my depressive symptoms and paralyzing anxiety) or just a strong disconnection with own inner being but I know for sure that when the hardest time has gone there is always peace within you which most of us are so longing.

Allow time to rest up properly every night

Another thing I know for sure is a good everyday rest at night (before sleep to be precise) can help me (and you) to keep our  mind positive. I know it from own experience, and it's elementary but we always forget about it.

The most crucial mistake of the year (and my life in general) is to continue working/studying  until the time I go to bed or even pull an all nighter! It doesn't allow my mind to tune in productive vibes for the next day ‘cause I haven't restored my energy and not freed up space for new tasks at all. You go to bed tired and overwhelmed so you wake up the same tired and overwhelmed (or just don't want to get out of your bed at all). The miracle of a good night rest never happens if we don't rest on previous night before actual sleep and don't go to bed in positive state of mind (which is impossible when you're too tired).

Always listen to my intuition

In every small aspects, just be in tune with own inner self. I believe own mind (most undiscovered parts) is the most powerful and wise advisor since you've broken through the skin of your ego (identity). Ohh guys, my egoic skin was pretty tough (and I still not sure if I've got to desirable awareness and mindset already, probably not at all).

There were lots of down time in my 2018. But now I believe that it was the important part of growing, mostly growing of self-awareness. And now I know that I should seek out contentment and possible satisfaction in creative process (it's personal for me, of course, and you have your own life priority), not in results, numbers, destinations etc. There is a lot more peace in these moments when you're fully devoting yourself to the present activities. Just try to hear your actual inner voice, not the voice of your identity.

When you live in huge contrast with other people (money, opportunities, help from different sources, relationships etc.) you realize that you can rely only on yourself and your mindset (which have to be positive to make actual changes in life), angd you must have a huge inner power to push through your life obstacles and see them as lessons, not as stop points. So wish you (and me to be honest) have this inner power to push through all unlucky circumstances and don't give up on your dreams this year too. If you have high aims, you deserve them and can go for them!

Have a happy and peaceful New Year!

Ann XOXO


New Year goals 2019


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